Find me at NazareneBlogs.org
Sorry for be so unfunny for the last 8 months. I'm shifting gears a bit and doing some writing at NazareneBlogs.org.
Look for me there.
Blessings,
The ArkRocker
The satirical and sometimes even funny version of events that impact the Church of the Nazarene.
Sorry for be so unfunny for the last 8 months. I'm shifting gears a bit and doing some writing at NazareneBlogs.org.
Look for me there.
Blessings,
The ArkRocker
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
6:51 PM
3
comments
HEAVEN -- God has announced his resounding endorsement of former Governor Mike Huckabee for President of the United States.
(story and commentary by Nazarene Nooz political analyst Blanche Devereaux)
God's endorsement is a clear message to evangelicals that George W. Bush was not the messiah after all, but is now playing 'John the Baptist' and paving the way for the true messiah, Mike Huckabee.
I recently had lunch with a lifelong Republican who on condition of anonymity, confided to me that after eight years of George W. Bush (latecomer to the Kingdom of God), God would naturally choose someone who has always been a Christian. Enter Mike Huckabee. My lunch partner may have had difficulty not staring at my breasts throughout lunch, but his insights seemed right in line with the current facts of the Presidential campaign.
Pundits are already dismissing Huckabee as an 'also-ran', but then the opinion-peddlers of Jesus' day dismissed Jesus as dead. Boy, weren't they wrong??
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
1:36 PM
13
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Midwest Family Values Worship Center seeks a one-in-a-million pastor for whom bipolar disorder is a gifting and not a burden.
At MFVWC we have had our share of pastors who are either really good with people or who are hard-nosed administrators; but never both. Our pastoral selection committee determined on a lark to look in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for the qualifications of an ideal pastor. Long story short, when we saw the description of bipolar disorder, we realized that it was a virtual snapshot of the person that would finally save our church from mediocrity.
Qualifications:
Compensation and benefits are competitive; especially considering that bipolar pastors are virtually unemployable elsewhere in the Kingdom.
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
5:45 PM
16
comments
COLORADO SPRING, Colorado (NN) -- What was once the niche market of armed security services for churches has become an overnight phenomenon. Thus, Nazarene Nooz has begun our own armed security service called 'Nazarene Ninjas'.
Always looking for the 'angle' in 'evangelical', Nazarene Nooz has leapt to the opportunity of providing professional security consultants for churches of all sizes.
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
6:26 PM
11
comments
LAS VEGAS, Nevada (NN) -- The Nazarene Association of Prophets (NAP) has issued the much-anticipated annual update to the list of people who could very well be the Antichrist spoken of in the book of Revelation.
New to the list this year and rocketing to the highest ranks are Barak Obama and Stephen Colbert. Also new to the list are Rosie O'Donnell, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, Tom Cruise and US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.
Falling off the list are Mel Gibson, Henry Kissinger, Dan Rather and Ryan Seacrest. Seeking to avoid a repeat of last year's firestorm, NAP has removed Rick Warren's name from the list.
Long a mysterious presence on the list, fictional characters are once again represented.
A surprising shift of opinion has also seemed to take hold among the Nazarene Association of Prophets as the death of a candidate has a more detrimental effect on their list ranking.
Prophecy watchers have openly questioned whether election year politics may have trumped the usually non-partisan and Bible-based criteria for candidate selection. Most observers agree that the NAP selection committee may have lost some of its insulation from political influences and public pressure from groups loyal to potential antichrists.
Antichrist watch-list; 2007
1. Al Gore
2. Hilary Clinton
3. Tom Cruise (new to the list)
4. Vladimir Putin
5. Barak Obama (new to the list)
6. Osama bin Laden
7. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (president of Iran)
8. Pope Benedict XVI
9. Bill Clinton
10. Stephen Colbert (new to the list)
11. Rosie O'Donnell (new to the list)
12. Pervez Musharraf (President of Pakistan, new to the list)
13. Nancy Pelosi (US Speaker of the House, new to the list)
14. That guy from the Verizon Wireless commercials
15. The United Nations
16. Mikhail Gorbachev
17. Bill and Melinda Gates
18. Saddam Hussein
19. Spongebob Squarepants
20. Ronald Reagan, Pope John Paul II (tie)
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
11:55 AM
9
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WASHINGTON DC (NN) -- In an intercepted al Qaeda correspondence, a person alleging to be Osama bin Laden recommends methods of infiltration and subterfuge inspired by none other than the venerable Work and Witness program used by the Church of the Nazarene. Fellow Martyrs, We have sponsored jihad tourism for years in Palestine, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Chechnya, Iraq and Pakistan, and this is the next logical step in our bid to wake the sleeping followers of the Prophet to the global struggle against George W. Bush and his minions. This Work and Witness program will be easy to modify and use for our purposes. The infidels will be swept away beneath a tide of devout Islamic warriors. It makes for really good brand identity too.
(editor's note: this is a satirical piece. Bin Laden probably has better things to do than steal marketing strategies from the Church of the Nazarene. This is satire.)
After examining and analyzing the document, the US State Department confirms that the handwriting is a perfect match to earlier writing samples belonging to Osama bin Laden himself. According to a State Department press release, Homeland Security officials have determined that Work and Witness personnel lack the critical thinking skills to discern satire from genuine terrorist threats, and thus could not possibly be connected to anything nefarious or unpatriotic.
Nazarene Nooz was able to obtain a copy of the letter:
Death to America and bountiful virgin bosoms to your jihad-consecrated hands! I hope this letter finds you gloating over the mutilated and smoking corpses of your infidel enemies. May your seed live to desecrate the polluted lands of Zion and to tear down the strongholds of American dictatorship.
The purpose of this brief letter is to share with you a proven method of recruiting new martyrs and quietly sowing sleeper cells in the very shadow of the infidel's wretched symbols of satanic power.
A small christian group called the Nazirenes (sic) have created a conquest strategy that they call 'Work and Witness'. The genius of this program is that people who participate in this christian jihad pay for their own travel and expenses, thus the christians tap into their followers' lust for travel and sightseeing in order to benefit their righteous cause. According to the Nazirenes' own testimonials, a fair number of these work and witnessers actually abandon their plasma televisions and the abundant loins of their women to become mujahedin (they call themselves missionaries).
Brothers, this is surely a sign from Allah himself, lighting the way for us to inflame the jihad in the moderate Muslim infidels whom our martyred brother Mussab al Zarqawi referred to as the 'immoral majority'.
For more information, see the infidel christians' website...but try not to be converted by their very inocuous website. (haha, I am laughing)
Yours forever in eternal reward and disrespect for America and zionist pigs,
O.
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
3:53 PM
4
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SOUTH BEND, Indiana (NN) -- While most people in the United States turn their clocks back by an hour and then stay up an hour later, church leaders in Southwest Indiana have found a way to capitalize on the time change in order to boost the day's Sunday School attendance.
Most churches remind their attenders of the twice per year time change, but Albumin Avenue First Church of the Nazarene has decided to remain silent about the return to standard time. Sunday School Superintendent Harold Steinwyck explains, "Last year we forgot to issue the reminder and a bunch of people showed up for what they thought was the worship service. They looked a little confused at first, but then they realized their mistake, felt stupid, and then (most importantly) tried out a Sunday School class. Our Sunday School attedance was up by approximately 23.8%. "
Somehow the news made its way through the local rumor mill and this year only a handful of area churches will remind their congregation to turn back their clocks by one hour. Several churches have instructed their Sunday School teachers to be visitor-friendly and to have the better donuts in honor of their 'accidental guests.' Superintendent Steinwyck guiltily admits, "This isn't the most effective way of tricking people into attending Sunday School, but it is far easier to pull off than Sunday School contests and clowns."
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
8:43 PM
7
comments
Nazarene Nooz secret bunker (NN) -- For a limited time only, get your very own official Nazarene Nooz Manual Highlighter.
In the spirit of Thomas Jefferson's novel approach to reading the Bible, we at Nazarene Nooz are very proud to introduce the Nazarene Nooz Manual Highlighter.

Now you can reconcile your copy of 'The Manual' with what you really believe and how you actually conduct your life and/or ministry. Simply 'highlight' the parts of the Manual that you disagree with. Nazarene Nooz marketing director Brent Benson outlines the broad appeal of the Manual Highlighter.
"We believe that this highlighter will have broad appeal across the denomination. The Manual is basically a statement of belief put together by committee, so nobody totally agrees with everything contained therein. With our highlighter, you can make the Manual stronger on certain topics or weaker on other topics. It's up to you. How much more user-friendly could the Manual be?"
Get your official Nazarene Nooz Manual Highlighter while supplies last.
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
11:07 AM
5
comments

Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
10:22 PM
0
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ORLANDO, Florida (NN) -- Acclaimed expert on worship, elite hymnologist and best-selling author, Dr. Howard Euduing has concluded his review of various worship experiences by rating the few glimpses that the Bible gives of worship in heaven itself. Surprisingly, Dr. Euduing found the recounted experiences profoundly disappointing.

In Revelation 5, we have what should be the most awesome worship experience,
but then they sing this song:"You are worthy to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
and with your blood you purchased men for God
From every tribe and language and people and nation.
You have made
them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
and they will reign on the
earth."My reaction? What the???!!! I can just hear the wailing electric guitar or a lilting island rhythm and they sing this piece of crap song 50 times, over and over, with no opportunity for people to sit down.
Where are the verses? Where is the descant part for the choir. They don't even mention the name of Jesus. It could just as easily be a fourteen year-old boy singing about his genitals. Where is the theological substance? Where is the reverence? I bet they even change keys every few repetitions so that the impressionable dolts in the congregation get worked up into a frenzy.
I am VERY DISAPPOINTED that this kind of pap will be tolerated by the King of Kings. Give me some youth band butchering a Chris Tomlin song any day. This doesn't strike me as heaven but sounds very much like the other place.
Churches can at least take some solace in the fact that in Howard Euduing's eyes, even God can't run a decent worship service.
Posted by
ArkRocker01
at
6:53 PM
1 comments