God endorses Mike Huckabee for President

HEAVEN -- God has announced his resounding endorsement of former Governor Mike Huckabee for President of the United States.

(story and commentary by Nazarene Nooz political analyst Blanche Devereaux)

God's endorsement is a clear message to evangelicals that George W. Bush was not the messiah after all, but is now playing 'John the Baptist' and paving the way for the true messiah, Mike Huckabee.

I recently had lunch with a lifelong Republican who on condition of anonymity, confided to me that after eight years of George W. Bush (latecomer to the Kingdom of God), God would naturally choose someone who has always been a Christian. Enter Mike Huckabee. My lunch partner may have had difficulty not staring at my breasts throughout lunch, but his insights seemed right in line with the current facts of the Presidential campaign.

Pundits are already dismissing Huckabee as an 'also-ran', but then the opinion-peddlers of Jesus' day dismissed Jesus as dead. Boy, weren't they wrong??

Job Posting: Bipolar pastor wanted for unique assignment

Midwest Family Values Worship Center seeks a one-in-a-million pastor for whom bipolar disorder is a gifting and not a burden.

At MFVWC we have had our share of pastors who are either really good with people or who are hard-nosed administrators; but never both. Our pastoral selection committee determined on a lark to look in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for the qualifications of an ideal pastor. Long story short, when we saw the description of bipolar disorder, we realized that it was a virtual snapshot of the person that would finally save our church from mediocrity.

Qualifications:

• Must have a doctor's note confirming a diagnosis of bipolar disorder
  
  
• Must be able to switch-on your manic side for Sunday preaching and glad-handing people.
  
  
• Must be able to switch back to your depressive side for the remainder of the week in order to obsessively guard the financial integrity of the church and to spend ample time in sermon preparation without distraction caused by friendships, family relationships, and a normal social life.
  
  
• Must be a highly entertaining speaker, but able to construct talking points sufficiently profound to appease people who think that sermons should have theological substance.
  

Compensation and benefits are competitive; especially considering that bipolar pastors are virtually unemployable elsewhere in the Kingdom.

Nazarene Ninjas provide much-needed protection against random violence

COLORADO SPRING, Colorado (NN) -- What was once the niche market of armed security services for churches has become an overnight phenomenon. Thus, Nazarene Nooz has begun our own armed security service called 'Nazarene Ninjas'.

Not content to merely imitate megachurch worship services, small group ministries, coffee bars, and theater-style seating, churches everwhere are jumping on the opportunity to hire armed security.

Always looking for the 'angle' in 'evangelical', Nazarene Nooz has leapt to the opportunity of providing professional security consultants for churches of all sizes.

Church security consultant, Allen Capone explains, "People needs to know that they mess with the Christian family, they messing with the angel of death if ya know what I mean. That wacked out shooter in Colorado could have killed hundreds of people with his 30-round clip, but out jumps this broad and BAM!! she caps the son-of-a-Baptist. That's what I'm talkin' about!"

Being Jedi at heart, we at Nazarene Nooz shun uncivilized weapons like guns in favor of katana swords and star-shaped thrown weapons. They offer a level of lethal precision that is cleaner and far more appropriate for a house of worship.

Nazarene Ninja pricing:

Visible Deterrent package (designed for small churches accustomed to cutting corners)

One college student dressed as ninja, armed with stage prop sword and kung fu yells.

$89 per service, plus Sunday dinner and 3 loads of laundry

Visible Deterrent Plus! (designed for small churches that think big)

One college student dressed as ninja, armed with real sword, kung fu yells, and authentic gong.

$129 per service, plus Sunday dinner, 3 loads of laundry, and high speed Internet access

Crouching Feline, Hidden Reptile package (designed for medium sized churches run by cheap-skates)

One set of authentic looking signs and window stickers informing potential armed maniacs that there is an unseen Ninja on duty.

$29.95 one-time plus shipping and handling

Silent Ninja Assassin, Divine Wind of the Orient package (designed for large churches struggling to spend enough money to retain non-profit status)

Half a dozen trained ninjas armed with ultra-sharp katana swords and a wide assortment of cool ninja weapons - delivering dismemberment with elegance to hapless idiots armed with assault rifles.

$1,989 per service (evangelistic martial-arts demonstrations are extra)

Chuck Norris (designed for mega-megachurches)

It's Chuck Norris...nuff said.

Call for pricing - Limited availability

Antichrist Watch-List updated for 2007

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (NN) -- The Nazarene Association of Prophets (NAP) has issued the much-anticipated annual update to the list of people who could very well be the Antichrist spoken of in the book of Revelation.

New to the list this year and rocketing to the highest ranks are Barak Obama and Stephen Colbert. Also new to the list are Rosie O'Donnell, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, Tom Cruise and US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

Falling off the list are Mel Gibson, Henry Kissinger, Dan Rather and Ryan Seacrest. Seeking to avoid a repeat of last year's firestorm, NAP has removed Rick Warren's name from the list.

Long a mysterious presence on the list, fictional characters are once again represented.

A surprising shift of opinion has also seemed to take hold among the Nazarene Association of Prophets as the death of a candidate has a more detrimental effect on their list ranking.

Prophecy watchers have openly questioned whether election year politics may have trumped the usually non-partisan and Bible-based criteria for candidate selection. Most observers agree that the NAP selection committee may have lost some of its insulation from political influences and public pressure from groups loyal to potential antichrists.

Antichrist watch-list; 2007
1. Al Gore
2. Hilary Clinton
3. Tom Cruise (new to the list)
4. Vladimir Putin
5. Barak Obama (new to the list)
6. Osama bin Laden
7. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (president of Iran)
8. Pope Benedict XVI
9. Bill Clinton
10. Stephen Colbert (new to the list)
11. Rosie O'Donnell (new to the list)
12. Pervez Musharraf (President of Pakistan, new to the list)
13. Nancy Pelosi (US Speaker of the House, new to the list)
14. That guy from the Verizon Wireless commercials
15. The United Nations
16. Mikhail Gorbachev
17. Bill and Melinda Gates
18. Saddam Hussein
19. Spongebob Squarepants
20. Ronald Reagan, Pope John Paul II (tie)

Bin Laden: "I got all my best ideas from Work and Witness."

WASHINGTON DC (NN) -- In an intercepted al Qaeda correspondence, a person alleging to be Osama bin Laden recommends methods of infiltration and subterfuge inspired by none other than the venerable Work and Witness program used by the Church of the Nazarene.

After examining and analyzing the document, the US State Department confirms that the handwriting is a perfect match to earlier writing samples belonging to Osama bin Laden himself. According to a State Department press release, homeland security officials provided a copy of the document to key personnel at Nazarene Headquarters and asked a few questions to determine whether the World Mission leadership was funneling money to terrorists.

Although a Headquarters spokesperson replied to Nazarene Nooz inquiries by saying, "Document? What document?", Nazarene Nooz was able to obtain a copy from the shadowy depths of the Headquarters underground. We at Nazarene Nooz are committed to the other side of the news, so we are publishing the contents of this document in full.

Fellow Martyrs,

Death to America and bountiful virgin bosoms to your jihad-consecrated hands! I hope this letter finds you gloating over the mutilated and smoking corpses of your infidel enemies. May your seed live to desecrate the polluted lands of Zion and to tear down the strongholds of American dictatorship.

The purpose of this brief letter is to share with you a proven method of recruiting new martyrs and quietly sowing sleeper cells in the very shadow of the infidel's wretched symbols of satanic power.

A small christian group called the Nazirenes (sic) have created a conquest strategy that they call 'Work and Witness'. The genius of this program is that people who participate in this christian jihad pay for their own travel and expenses, thus the christians tap into their followers' lust for travel and sightseeing in order to benefit their righteous cause. According to the Nazirenes' own testimonials, a fair number of these work and witnessers actually abandon their plasma televisions and the abundant loins of their women to become mujahedin (they call themselves missionaries).

Brothers, this is surely a sign from Allah himself, lighting the way for us to inflame the jihad in the moderate Muslim infidels whom our martyred brother Mussab al Zarqawi referred to as the 'immoral majority'.

We have sponsored jihad tourism for years in Palestine, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Chechnya, Iraq and Pakistan, and this is the next logical step in our bid to wake the sleeping followers of the Prophet to the global struggle against George W. Bush and his minions. This Work and Witness program will be easy to modify and use for our purposes. The infidels will be swept away beneath a tide of devout Islamic warriors. It makes for really good brand identity too.

For more information, see the infidel christians' website...but try not to be converted by their very inocuous website. (haha, I am laughing)

Yours forever in eternal reward and disrespect for America and zionist pigs,

O.

Churches take advantage of time change to trick people into attending Sunday School

SOUTH BEND, Indiana (NN) -- While most people in the United States turn their clocks back by an hour and then stay up an hour later, church leaders in Southwest Indiana have found a way to capitalize on the time change in order to boost the day's Sunday School attendance.

Most churches remind their attenders of the twice per year time change, but Albumin Avenue First Church of the Nazarene has decided to remain silent about the return to standard time. Sunday School Superintendent Harold Steinwyck explains, "Last year we forgot to issue the reminder and a bunch of people showed up for what they thought was the worship service. They looked a little confused at first, but then they realized their mistake, felt stupid, and then (most importantly) tried out a Sunday School class. Our Sunday School attedance was up by approximately 23.8%. "

Somehow the news made its way through the local rumor mill and this year only a handful of area churches will remind their congregation to turn back their clocks by one hour. Several churches have instructed their Sunday School teachers to be visitor-friendly and to have the better donuts in honor of their 'accidental guests.' Superintendent Steinwyck guiltily admits, "This isn't the most effective way of tricking people into attending Sunday School, but it is far easier to pull off than Sunday School contests and clowns."

Get your official Nazarene Nooz 'Manual highlighter'

Nazarene Nooz secret bunker (NN) -- For a limited time only, get your very own official Nazarene Nooz Manual Highlighter.

In the spirit of Thomas Jefferson's novel approach to reading the Bible, we at Nazarene Nooz are very proud to introduce the Nazarene Nooz Manual Highlighter.

Now you can reconcile your copy of 'The Manual' with what you really believe and how you actually conduct your life and/or ministry. Simply 'highlight' the parts of the Manual that you disagree with. Nazarene Nooz marketing director Brent Benson outlines the broad appeal of the Manual Highlighter.

"We believe that this highlighter will have broad appeal across the denomination. The Manual is basically a statement of belief put together by committee, so nobody totally agrees with everything contained therein. With our highlighter, you can make the Manual stronger on certain topics or weaker on other topics. It's up to you. How much more user-friendly could the Manual be?"

Get your official Nazarene Nooz Manual Highlighter while supplies last.

Former Anorexic: Nazarenes taught me to love food again

LOS ANGELES, California (NN) -- Joan Mitchell was 5'6" and a mere 85 pounds when she first visited a Church of the Nazarene. Her new relationship with food began almost immediately.

(We at Nazarene Nooz were so touched by this testimonial, we had to like totally share it and all.)

"So I walk into this church and I'm like, whoa! these people are thick beyond the plus-size model range. At first I was disgusted because you would totally see their folds through their poor-fitting clothes and all...but then I realized that these people were sooo happy. I have never been so happy myself, and so I just had to figure out why these gross looking people could be so totally unaware of their obesity.

I found out later that these people were Nazarenes and most of them didn't get so fat by drinking beer. After going to one potluck dinner, I learned that love means trying a little of everything on the food table, and then going back for seconds or thirds. I picked up what I thought was a slice of non-fat jicama fruit, but it was a mozarella stick. I had never tasted anything so good in my whole life. The oil-soaked breading just made it slide right down my esophagus.

It takes getting used to all of this eating. It's like every time we get together, there is some new food to try. I never knew that those big donuts, you know, the ones that don't have a hole in the middle...they are full of pudding or some kind of sugar filling. I had never gotten such a sensation from my former breakfast menu of a single deli slice of turkey breast.

These Nazarenes are a total trip. They looked at me and knew that I was new to the church. I asked them about it, and they just told me that there are no malnourished Nazarenes except in places like Haiti or Canada. The Nazarenes took me under their wings and helped me to have what I used to think would be an unhealthy love for putting edible things in my mouth.

I love the Nazarene Church, as long as they don't fight me for that last piece of pepperoni lover's pizza."

Worship expert rates worship in heaven as "the worst ever"

ORLANDO, Florida (NN) -- Acclaimed expert on worship, elite hymnologist and best-selling author, Dr. Howard Euduing has concluded his review of various worship experiences by rating the few glimpses that the Bible gives of worship in heaven itself. Surprisingly, Dr. Euduing found the recounted experiences profoundly disappointing.

Howard Euduing has become a prominent voice in the world of worship by visiting prominent churches pastored by prominent pastors, deflating their egos with no-holds-barred critiques of their worship product.

Euduing rated Willow Creek as 'a collection of cliches and truisms' while declaring worship at Mars Hill Bible Church as a 'pagan orgy'. Euduing drew considerable ire in some circles by critiquing lesser known churches that are 'big fish in small ponds'. He describes worship at Olathe College Church of the Nazarene as going to a mausoleum and waiting for a campmeeting to break out. Grove City Church of the Nazarene, he described as a holier version of the 'Tonight Show' when all the good writers are on strike.

When Dr. Euduing took on heaven's worship itself, many people expected him to finally bask in wonder at an experience unsurpassed by any other experience on earth. However, Dr. Euduing finds something to hate about worship in heaven. Here is a revealing excerpt from his critique.

In Revelation 5, we have what should be the most awesome worship experience,
but then they sing this song:

"You are worthy to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
and with your blood you purchased men for God
From every tribe and language and people and nation.
You have made
them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God,
and they will reign on the
earth."

My reaction? What the???!!! I can just hear the wailing electric guitar or a lilting island rhythm and they sing this piece of crap song 50 times, over and over, with no opportunity for people to sit down.

Where are the verses? Where is the descant part for the choir. They don't even mention the name of Jesus. It could just as easily be a fourteen year-old boy singing about his genitals. Where is the theological substance? Where is the reverence? I bet they even change keys every few repetitions so that the impressionable dolts in the congregation get worked up into a frenzy.

I am VERY DISAPPOINTED that this kind of pap will be tolerated by the King of Kings. Give me some youth band butchering a Chris Tomlin song any day. This doesn't strike me as heaven but sounds very much like the other place.

Churches can at least take some solace in the fact that in Howard Euduing's eyes, even God can't run a decent worship service.

Visionary pastor begins preparing for the 22nd century

FAYETTEVILLE, Arkansas (NN) -- Acting on the mantra that "A true visionary does stuff that other people think is dumb", pastor George Michaels has launched a 90+ year master plan to prepare his church for the 22nd century.

(interview conducted by the one true living ArkRocker)

AR Pastor George, thank you so much for meeting with me. Surely on the cusp of a 90 year master plan, you must be pretty busy.

GM First of all, that whole thing of calling a pastor by his first name is so 21st century. Please call me Tertullian, my theological muse...that is visionary thinking in motion.

AR Um, why Tertullian? ...if I may ask...

T I looked up Tertullian in wikipedia one day and it said that he invented the doctrine of the trinity and he also coined the terms 'Old Testament' and 'New Testament'. If that isn't visionary, I don't know what is.

AR Tertullian, how exactly do you prepare for the 22nd century when we have barely broken in the 21st century?

T It's really simple. It's never too early to be ahead of the curve. You just look for present-day impossibilties and act like they will be possible in the next century. The cool thing is that thinking that impossible is possible actually makes it possible while everyone else just sees the impossible that is not possible in their little minds. I think that's in the book of Romans somewhere.

AR So people in the 1950's who predicted we would have flying cars by 1981 were not visionaries?

T Exactly! They were imagining the possible and got it completely wrong, whereas Al Gore was imagining the impossible and ended up being the first man in cyberspace.

AR You might be a little mixed up on your details there...

T Don't trouble me with details. If one gets bogged down in details you end up debating the difference between the person of Christ and the substance of the Trinity. What a stupid waste of time!

AR How does your church feel about your master plan?

T It's inevitable that early in his career, a visionary is mocked and misunderstood, but Tertullian II (that's me) will prevail and those people who stand with me will be vindicated in about 90 years. The Bible even says that I will not taste death until I see the 22nd century come with power.

People are looking for something to believe in. If some wacko can convince a bunch of people to give him all their money and commit suicide in the hope of being caught up to heaven in a UFO, how much easier will it be to get people on board with the 22nd century plan found right there in the 65 books of the Bible?

AR Wow, that's amazing! How does your District Superintendent feel about this?

T My DS told me in confidence that as long as my church pays the 'missions tax' and as long as I don't allow people to speak in tongues in my church, he doesn't care if I build a magical rainbow spaceship in the fellowship hall or replace the communion juice with pig's blood.

AR It must be liberating to live with the assurance that the end of the world isn't right around the corner.

T That's a pretty smart observation. There is a lot of untapped power available to those who are willing to act like we have a future and a hope - as opposed to cowering in the corner, hiding from progress and cursing the mp3 file format. As Jesus said to his disciples, "Greater stuff will you be doing than this stuff that you saw me do."

AR Wow, and that seems like a good place to leave it. Thank you for your time, Tertullian.

T You're welcome ArkRocker, and please invite your readers to check out my website:

www.22ndcenturyvisionarypastorseekingdonationsnow.com